Free at last and Fighting Fit - PBM Actually.

Yes I'm out and free, at long bloody last! No thanks to the majority of the Snr. Management crew at HMP Onley. A more complacent crew of tosspots it was difficult to sink beneath at most of the prisons in the HMP Estate. So there's an entire new complement of anuses upon which to vent my spleen. But don't despair those of you that have grown to hate the former band of incompetents, characters such as Kate "Kuntz" Dufall, Maureen "Moron" McCarthy and the "Dodgy Dispenser from Dacca", Sankar Kumar Biswas to be subjected to the harsh light of truth, and their misdeeds and corruptions will remain as part of my remit.

The new groups are relatively new, but no less corrupt than their FCO counterparts. We have the Odious Odom, whose main concern is ripping off inmate's Postal Orders. An easy task for him as he is in charge of prisoners' money. "Suduko" N'Duka, an Instructional Officer with no less than three PhDs; Engineering, Economics and Statistics, to his name. How the Hell he ever found time to study is a complete mystery to me. With 31 grand kids by 7 wives, back in Nigeria, surely this Mensa Masher in the IQ stakes had the nous to wear a condom - provided he could find one small enough? Then there's "Dai Fach" Evans, the No. 2 (if you care to consider that a pun, you'd be right) Guv'nor.

Those lads in the know, routinely broach the topic of his spousal fidelity. Rightly so, I say. Given that he is constantly sniffing, doggy style, the rather attractive Pakistani Instructional Officer, Tas, on the convict labour camp run by Suduko, dis-Assembly you're probably correct. Next we progress up the chain of command to the #1 Guv'nor Darren Hughes. A welcher by name and a welcher by nature. A sartorially inelegant former used car salesman, whose pre directive is to promote polyester chinos as a fashion choice.

Ruddy, as pissed as a newt @ 9:30 am, with

Cameron.

This Polyester Penis is a real job of work. He actually does boast being one of the leading Governors in the HMPPS stable of tossers. But let's be perfectly frank here, by comparison to the former #1 at the systems' worst C Cat prison, the perennially pissed, Steven Ruddy, it would be hard to plumb the depths for a worse example. Ruddy, got fired from the Job - and in true civil service fashion - moved sideways, when one of the regular wing screws got caught dispensing Spice on his assigned wing during 2016. This all came to light when one of the screws was found hanging from a tree in a nearby wood. Ruddy, with a brilliance born from a bottle, put it out that the poor sod had been caught sleeping on night duty and was being sacked. As if we lads would believe that a major source of psychtropics would top himself for taking forty winks? Bollocks.

The polyester plonker himself,

Darren Hughes

But we digress. On to the Polyester Prick. Check insert for a Kodak of him in need of an introduction to a razor.

Finally we come to Jen Mundun. Oh dear, keeping my considerations pending on it will have to wait til part 2. I daren't attempt to peck out the 500 or so words on my IPhone so late at night.

My usual bromide concerning Messrs Sue, Grabbit and Runne should be considered if those detailed above believe they've been libelled. Sadly your masters and mistresses won't allow you to get me in court for the fear of the damage I can do to their masters and mistresses with my pen. More's the pity. Enjoy reading and small (50p to £5) donations to my PayPal account - ggjonesbk@googlemail.com - would not go amiss as I've been forced to survive the past 7 weeks on the £46 discharge grant thanks to the malfeasance of those mentioned beforehand.

Dr. Gary Graeme Jones